Apologize, for real.

As a divorce attorney, I regularly deal with people who feel wronged. Generally people in divorce on some level have been wronged. Some people can confront their mistake while others never will. Then there are those who apologize, but not for real. Let me explain…

I have learned through this job and all the psyche people I deal with on what constitutes a real apology. I’m going to do my best here on what I have learned. Here it goes: when you apologize, you own your action, apologize for hurting the other person, and say from your heart that you are sorry. That’s it. You can apologize again, but in the same format. Period.

One way we go wrong with our apologies is when we explain ourselves to the person we know we hurt. Don’t do that until it’s welcomed by the person you hurt. Another way we go wrong is when we apologize and then say “you did something to me too and that’s another reason why I screwed up.” That is also not part of the ‘right’ way to apologize. If you want to apologize for real, it has to come from your soul, your heart, and it is really hard to do. I’ve done it, I’ve watched it, and it’s hard. You have to be really honest in showing you screwed up and hurt someone.

Here comes what I think are two hard parts of the apology aftermath: 1) whether or not your apology is accepted; and 2) the waiting. Your apology may not get accepted. That is just how it is. The person may not ever forgive you and there is nothing you can do about that. Your apology not getting accepted leads to the next difficult part of an apology, which is the waiting period. Sometimes, often times, it takes time and effort by those involved to get through the hurt. Usually when you screw up it’s because you are screwed up. That doesn’t make you a horrible person; it makes you human. The recipient of your hurt, though, has to recover. Wow, this is so complicated.

How do we ‘make up’ for our wrong? I don’t know the answer to this. I do know that owning your mistake is the first step to everyone healing, including the person giving the apology. I think actions show sincerity of the apology. I also think talking through the issue helps. Getting help on how to deal with the hurt I have learned is clutch too.

So, if you are in divorce, why even bother apologizing? You can argue that it’s over and you owe that ex nothing emotionally, why bother? I believe you apologize during a divorce because you want to own your actions, you have hurt someone else, intentionally or not, and generally hurt people continue the hurt. You want to stop the cycle of your own hurting and so owning your actions can assist with that. You want to heal with the person you hurt to give them a chance as well. Continuing the hurt in divorce cases causes perpetual harm on you, your spouse, your kids, and the list goes on. Note that certain types of actions necessitating an apology in the legal system may require more nuance. Regardless, the idea is to confront the mistake, own it, and grow.

Learn to apologize, for real, and see how that works out for you….