My relationship sucks.

I’m sorry your relationship sucks. As a divorce attorney, I hear from clients how and why they want out of their marriages. I grew up hearing that the main reason people divorce is because of cheating and money. At this point in my career I’m pretty clear the relationship lost traction well before the “straw that broke the camel’s back” event took place.

We are in deep into “Covid,” or “the vid,” or whatever you want to call it. What we are seeing is a rise in break ups. People say this Covid period has brought to light what has been lingering for years but the pause in time put the spotlight on the issue. So, what “is” the issue?

It might be that you suck. Ya, I said it. You may suck right now. You may have sucked for years. That’s hard to hear if you grew up getting all A’s, make a lot of money, have a great job, or have been told how great and smart you are your whole life. The fact is that if you think your spouse sucks and is the root cause of all that is bad in your life, then that’s a sign to me from all the people I’ve met that there is a likely chance that you are flawed. Sorry to tell you this: you are human and you suck in areas of your life, even if you make a lot of money, are good looking, and do great things. You still are allowed to be and are flawed.

So, if you suck, what do you do? Face it? Deny it? Get high? I don’t know. Learn about it? Maybe. I don’t know what you are capable of doing. I do think those that commit to self-reflection fare better in life. You can be married or not, and still you are stuck with what is in your heart and brain. Plus, you may be blinding out some other key factors: are your other relationships going amazingly? Are you keeping up with friends? Exercise? Diet? Health? Holidays? Gifts? Pets? Appointments? The house? Work? Looks? Spouse? Family? Kids?

By the way, it’s ok to suck sometimes. Life is not one big fun ride. We want it to be but that’s just not real. There’s no fun in cancer but loving partners help each other through it. That can’t be easy but the gratification of getting through it together is amazing to see. But, be clear on why you suck, and be open to the fact that you may be wrong as to why you think things suck.

Sometimes your relationship wasn’t a match: I get it. Other times though, often I would argue, we lack in self-reflection. Today, in Covid, I would say that you are not the best version of yourself. In fact, if you already had trouble and did not face whatever your issue was, Covid is only going to amplify it. It’s ok if you suck, but you get to work on it. If you have the fortune of a supportive spouse, friends, or family, how lucky are you?!! Use your resources and improve upon what you suck at. If you respond with “I don’t care that much,” then I don’t know that I believe that kind of response. There’s something more there. Perhaps you kick butt as a parent but suck in some other role… why not get help? You tell your kids “you can’t be good at everything,” so maybe have the humility to hear those words yourself. It’ll be ok.

Don’t freak out and get a divorce. Get help, think, process, do it again and again, and see where it takes you.