Say it to my [Screen] face.
The pandemic hit us in California in March 2020. Life switched overnight. Some of us believed life would return to ‘normal’ by the spring, then summer, then the fall of 2020. Others knew it would take much longer. 2021 started, it was depressing and now another year has cycled through. Masks are still a plenty, being vaccinated gets you ‘easier’ access to life, but “Covid world” still lingers, causing life to still be on tilt.
I connect with people on the phone, on video calls, I learn about the world through electronic means, and I make conscious choices to avoid electronic connections with people whenever possible. Other times, connection online is just ‘easier.’ I am learning people are quite fine connecting electronically. Is ‘fine’ good enough though, or is what makes most sense? Should it be the standard or the exception?
Life through a camera, a computer, a phone. Education through a screen. How does my niece do her Chemistry labs in college through a screen? I can’t see the sweat or feel the tension or lack thereof online like I do in a Court room. Is that fine? Can I use the distance to my advantage and is that ‘right’? How can my child clients reconnect with a parent if it’s only online? Is therapy the same online as it is in person? Is that ‘fine’ too and do we just stick with it because it’s so easy? Just because it’s easy does it make the change ‘fine’? We accomplish these transactions, but for me the accumulation of lack of human interaction ‘feels’ different, maybe worse. Then again, I have solved some very complicated divorce issues online. It’s all weird to me.
There’s this ‘distance’ that clearly became evident to me at a friend’s wedding anniversary celebration we attended in person in the spring of 2021. An individual that attended, worked in sales. He’s been successfully selling through his computer and not in person. At the event though, he shined. His voice poured with affection, excitement, gratitude, and honesty. He sold me. It felt good to be sold. We clearly understood how much he loves his wife. He enjoyed being able to explain to us how much he valued his wife. His body language showed it, so did his voice inflection, the mood in the garden to which we were toasting their marriage, the smell of the food cooking, the presence of other couples. It felt so good. It’s impossible to have that intimacy on a computer. But, we want to tell ourselves that it is possible.
We are still online connecting with others and the plan is to make that permanent. I understand how easy it is to get online. However, I don’t know if that is a long term healthy and humane solution.
Kids clearly need human interaction. The pandemic has been a lesson to keep electronics at bay. Friendships need nourishing. The pandemic makes clear to see a friend here and there regularly to nourish the heart. Couples need to touch. The pandemic brought immediate closeness which worked to the advantage of some couples but not others.
What is clear, though, is the impact though of face to face interaction. Saying it to my face has a whole other depth and meaning than saying it by text, the phone, or zoom. Don’t get me wrong; it all can work. Interestingly, we did make exceptions during the pandemic to see specific people in person because of that drive and need to see and touch them. On the other hand, the guise of “I can’t see you because of Covid” created by the pandemic also gave reason to keep isolated for no other reason than to just stay alone. But: seeing you in person matters. Our senses needed nourishment and that nourishment started to get satiated with that visual, verbal, listening, and touch of in person connection. We want it said to our face. We want to be with each other. We need a hug, to talk, to brainstorm in person with normal banter and not ‘zoom’ discussion.
Like I’ve told some of my adolescent clients: you know the different between what is best for you versus what you want. It’s not easy but doing what is best for you, you know, is best. Maybe us adults can acknowledge this reality too…