"When the going gets tough, the tough... "

When the going gets tough, the tough don’t always get going. I think this matters when it comes to a divorce, any significant life event, or even day to day little things that may come your way, whether personally or when divorce touches your world.

We have these expectations that tough people have grit and so when a tough situation comes about, that person has no issue confronting it. That’s not always true with tough interpersonal situations, especially in divorce.

Sometimes the tough get going, other times they run. Sometimes the tough struggle and fall flat on their face. Sometimes the tough do not recover and get eaten up by their own circumstances. I have the luxury after years of experience to know how to get someone through a divorce, watch them struggle, and then see some excel through a very difficult process. Why is divorce difficult?

I have been part of “easy” divorces but even those divorces have inherent difficulties. The reality is that divorce is not a desired outcome. Thus, with an easy divorce, the feelings and logistics are very difficult, mostly I would argue when children of any age are involved. The family is forever changed. It’s hard to ‘get going’ in new unfamiliar territory. New people enter the mix which means additional personalities to meld together, if they ever truly do. Money has to be spread between two households. Individuals search for new partners. Kids search for their new identities. Just imagine we add health issues, learning issues, money issues, substance abuse, denial, all kinds of issues and with a divorce, it’s tough to get going and unreal to think it’s smooth sailing.

And then there is the difficult divorce. What makes a divorce difficult? Lots of things. I have one example. Spouse A could never speak up for themself or for the children even when Spouse B was totally off their rocker. Once the divorce starts and then Spouse A starts to speak up, advocating for simple requests based on sound law or even basic human decency, oh boy is Spouse B not only not interested in Spouse A’s request, even if it’s 100% reasonable, but will also fight against it. If Spouse B gets a difficult lawyer well, Spouse A has a lot of decision-making to do: what are the tough going to do?

Is Spouse A going to ‘get going’? Will Spouse A get the guts to stand up to Spouse B (assuming it’s safe)? Will Spouse A learn how to confront Spouse B and advocate for themself? Will Spouse A solely rely on their lawyer to do all the ‘get going’ for them (this is not sustainable because the lawyer will one day not represent you)? Will Spouse A freak out and freeze? I’ve watched and been part of all these situations. Some people can do it and others can’t. I work hard to assist clients to ‘get going’ and generally they do. It’s beautiful to see. When the going gets tough, I can get going and confront issues for and with clients.

Sometimes the tough can really confront in their work lives but not in their personal lives. For me it helps not to box people in, that they can excel in some areas but then run away in others. This creates space to know that just because an individual is generally perceived as tough, it’s impossible that they are tough in all aspects of life. That ‘tough’ person might get going in some parts of their life, but I do not believe they do that in all parts of their lives. They are human, after all.

When you are in divorce, or in your tough circumstance, give yourself a chance to take notice of the facts going on. What is real and what is your feeling or fear? Are you being fair to yourself thinking you can’t handle the situation, or did you create a false story in your head for whatever reason and now are interested in the ‘get going?’

If clients can learn to breathe and stay calm with triggering events, then I consider that success. When the going got tough, the tough learned to think and change a behavior. They got educated. They studied and spent time learning to help get going in their divorce process. Maybe this is my way of guiding you to learn more about yourself and how to dig out of the fear that keeps you from moving forward on stronger footing.

If you give yourself a chance to be human, and learn about it, then I bet your fear that you are not tough turns into ‘get going.’ You have just as much of a right as does any other human. You’re tough, you’ll get going, I know you will. Now do the work and get going!