If you loved me like mom does, you'd let me play video games whenever I want.

In homes where families get along and even in contentious custody disputes, the issue arises where parents do not agree on an aspect of life as it pertains to raising children. Piercing or not? Religion or not? Competitive sports or not? Screen time, how much or not at all? Which clothes are the right clothes? Good enough or good grades? The list goes on and is endless.

The problem is when the child knows where a parent stands on an issue. My kids know to come to me for some benefits and go to their dad for others. They know how to work us. We have the difficult job of not promoting our own ego when the child aligns with our own belief.

In representing children, I find that the #1 request children voice or show hope toward is the thought that their parents can get along and the desire for peace. Conflict, it seems, causes this pervasive confusion in a child’s mind. I am no psychological or medical expert here. All I know are the requests children make of me when I represent them and how I experience the conflict manifest in their bodies and minds. In working with these children, I learn how off base some of their core thinking can be, and, how much they justify the actions of their parents, even when they know what a parent is doing is patently not healthy for the child.

For example, in one household, children may learn how to manage a parent’s severe alcoholism. In that household, that parent may be lenient with grades in order to offset the guilt felt over the drinking and give the child some other ‘benefit.’ The two do not go hand in hand and this is a concept this child will understand as acceptable: the drinking and lenience with grades. If this child goes to the other parent’s household where grades are held to a higher standard, that child now knows not as much is expected of their performance because they can get away with it at the drinking parent’s home. This leads the child down a path that only hurts the child and confuses them, because, as we all know, doing well in school is positive for the child and child only.

When parents can be real about what they do in their home, what their choices are, and how they can get the help of the other parent, that is where children get the most benefit out of their parents. No one said this is easy, but this is most helpful for children. With that basis, the title of this blog could be: “If you loved me like mom does, you will work together as a team for my sake even if it’s not necessarily what I want or what you want to do.”