Tell me what you want, what you really really want.

I find myself continually repeating to clients: “tell me what you want.” At times my tone borders on rude, however, I am trying to get individuals to be more clear about what it is they are looking for out of their divorce.

It’s pretty basic knowledge that in California, all assets accumulated during a marriage are presumed community property. This means each spouse gets one-half. That’s basic enough, isn’t it? From there, things can get more detailed and dicey, but really divorces in California are set up so an individual can represent themselves through the process. I won’t lie though; if you can afford an experienced lawyer, it helps to get advice from someone you feel comfortable with and trust to get you through the process.

Knowing what you want out of the divorce will get you through the process more easily. For example, knowing the custody schedule you want for the kids matters. Knowing what assets you want or can let go of matters. Knowing what is important to you or not matters.

However, knowing and getting what you want are two different things. If you want 100% custody of the kids because your ex cheated on you, clearly that reasoning is not going to fly. If you want 100% of the value of a community value residence then be ready to give up something somewhere else.

Sometimes what you want will not fit perfectly into the community property or joint legal and joint physical custody context. Even with that though, if you identify with your lawyer what it is you want, then from there the lawyer can assist in figuring out if what you want is feasible or not.

Let this be a lesson to you as well: when you partner up with someone it’s important to tell them what you want. We get caught in pleasing others sometimes too much where we lose sight of our own needs. This often happens when kids come into the picture as well. It’s healthy to accommodate family needs; it’s also healthy to not lose sight of your own. It’s clear in this world that a lot of people say what they want, so, what is stopping you?

Hence the Spice Girls were onto something when they sang: “Tell me what you want, what you really really want!”