“I’m getting married, again.”

We have boyfriends, girlfriends, date, stay single, have all kinds of friends, get divorced, and get married, again, and again, and again. I am always interested in hearing clients make sense out of their lives. We are all generally entitled to live as we wish. However, be prepared for your child to have their own reaction, logical or not.

You are entitled to date and/or get married again even though you have kids with someone else. But, do not expect your child to understand what you are doing in the way you envision reality. Representing children has taught me so much in this area. It has made me a better advocate for clients, and, when I represent children, I find I can help parents navigate going forward with their children through the lens of their child.

Helping your children have peace is key. You may be marrying an ideal mate, and in your home, your children may love this person outright. Do not be surprised if your child goes to their other parent’s home and shows they do not care for your new mate. This happens. This is not abnormal. While it is not ideal, it is something kids do. I am not a therapist and cannot give therapy about this, but I know it exists and I help clients and kids through this within my role as their attorney.

Kids often do not know how to feel when you have a new romantic person in your life. This is a hard concept for them to understand. Children have loyalty to their parents and it’s very hard to think they are breaking it by loving the new person in your life. It’s scary on multiple levels. But, I can tell you that if you create space for your child to talk with you and let them download their brain on you, then you will have a victory in your hands. Letting them talk without picking on what they say is immensely helpful to their brains and bodies.

For example, your kids might complain about the other parent to you in ways that you totally understand and align with. But, it is imperative that you avoid any negative comments about the other parent. You can support their feelings without saying the other parent is horrible. Therapists are great on giving advice on how to do this. While it may be difficult to keep from saying anything, remember your greatest role is to listen with love, patience, kindness, and grace. 

I have cases where kids are allowed to love whoever they want. I have cases where the children are not. Which kids do you think have more ease in their lives? Does this matter to you? Whose needs are first: yours or theirs?  

Your child’s loyalties are to their parents. That will never change. Just because they participate in activities with the other parent’s companion, it does not change their core love and attachment to their parents. Just remember that your adult choices effect your children: be the adult and be ready for the aftermath.