I spend a lot of time asking questions. I ask questions to get information. When I get information, I apply it to what I know in my job. It happens, during a consultation, that I am told their ex to be is a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, cheated, spends too much money, is lazy, and the list goes on. I hear all sorts of things about how bad their ex to be is, who happens to be the same person my consult chose to marry! Even with my arranged marriages I hear how horrible the person is, as if the family screwed up that bad in picking a spouse for their own child. What parent would do that?
I get it, there’s a few exceptions, with desperate parents, or off shoot spouses that just plain turn bad, but generally, or I should say mostly, the more you focus on how bad the person you married is, the higher the chance you have missed on areas that you have failed. Yep, I said it, you have failed. The great part for me during a consultation is that I ask more questions and learn your blind spots (see that blog). Yes, you have areas that I am going to call out. Why? Because as your attorney I need you to know you are not perfect and have areas to work on.
The good news is that assuming we trust each other and get along, I will remain on your side. Does it mean I will support you when you do something I think is wrong? Yes. But will I point out that you shouldn’t do something and/or let you know you’ve gone too far and it’s time for our relationship to end? Yes, I will speak up because I am on your side and I need to draw boundaries. Supporting you doesn’t mean agreeing with you when you do something that does not support your own interest, your own children’s best interests, or kicks the other person while they are down. That’s just not me; I won’t do that. But if you can handle me telling you areas to work on, you’ll learn even more deeply how much I am on your side.
Going through a divorce is really hard, even if it’s ‘amicable.’ But just like other new endeavors that you go through, sometimes what you want to hear is not what is best for you. There’s hard work involved in getting through a divorce, and self-reflection is one of them. You’ll be better for it and that education you get from me ‘not being on your side’ will result in a greater freedom you get to feel and have for yourself going forward.
