Self-Care and Caring for Others
As humans, we need to practice self-care and caring for others. It’s how it has been and how it always will be. The concept of self-care and caring for others though can get quite blurry. It can get even more blurred when families separate. Parents that are more ‘hands on’ will feel neglected, feeling guilty for the divorce and so will over-extend with the kids and their money. Parents that ‘step back’ generally feel more relaxed, at ease with the divorce, confident in their moves and that things are fine. By the way, two people can be in the same mode at the same time. What is the answer and what is balance?
I remember after having kids I was in a therapy session, and I was asked: “So, what are you doing for self-care?” My response: “What you mean, showering? Yeah, I showered.” Therapist: “No, what are you doing special for yourself?” Me: laughter, and I thought, wow, she’s funny and cute to ask me a question like that. But she had a point.
When and if (I’m serious about the ‘if’) you grow up, you finish up school, get a job, get married, have a spouse, have kids, have a house, and the list goes on. Doing all that involves work, self-preparation and then caring for others and other things. Adulting. There’s no spa day in making money, get kids places, caring for family members, and figuring out how to save for the future. It’s an investment in self-care but it the moment it can feel like hell. The day cannot be all about me if I want a house working, my job functioning, food on the table, those close to me feeling nurtured, and so on. You are working, moving, learning, constantly. However, at times it has to be about me, slowing down, and it has to be more than showering.
Our divorce laws can be weird. Or standards also can be confusing and irritating. Early in my career a mom client would lose her mind over her ex giving their kid fruit loops versus a natural homemade protein breakfast, and how would the judge allow that. Add onto that a kid that has hyperactivity or emotional issues and boy does that bolster her argument. She’s technically right: protein for breakfast is better than fruit loops. But the law is not going to keep a kid away from the dad because he gives his kid fruit loops. Learn my job and you too will have the benefit of understanding why.
I used to fight the fruit loop battle but now I know how to flow with the rules. In divorce, you cannot get lost in the break-up. If you want to use your energy effectively, then get it together and balance out caring for others with self-care. Make the protein breakfast for your kid on your days and teach your kid why it’s healthy, and please, avoid slides on the dad. Because guess what? Fruit loops are out in the world. If you have a high conflict divorce, stop your focus on how narcissistic the other person is, for example, and instead put that energy into bettering yourself, emotionally and physically. Where does it get you to constantly tell people or ruminate over why the other person is such a jerk? No where. Grab that energy and use it in a healthy way for yourself: self-care.
If what is on your list are things you think of for yourself, then my bet is that your caring for others is limited. This does not make you good or bad, it just ‘is.’ Caring for others can mean so many things, whether it is providing financially, emotionally, physically, or just thinking about including them in your plans. Considering someone else in your planning takes energy and thank goodness for those that do because you can’t have family or a community without thinking of others. Thanksgiving ring a bell? Thanksgiving is a perfect self-care and caring for others event, and I hope you see why.
In divorce, please try to find that balance. Try for both: self-care and caring for others. It’s the yin and the yang. So much greatness can come out of this attempt for balance. These days I do way more than showering …. If I can do it, you can too.