“Why did they stay and take the abuse?”

I am writing this blog in a raw state. I am thinking how I get disappointed with society but then I’m amazed by human accomplishment. When disappointed, I haven’t blogged about it, but this time I am.

In order to make my point I need to say that I am part of the system. By the ‘system’ I mean that I spend money on stuff, I buy into why ‘looks’ good, I indulge, watch sports, dine out, wear make up, like to accumulate money, watch shows, shop, buy into name brands, and generally partake in consumerism. At the same time, I am cynical as to what is considered standard. While I participate in it, I question it, and realize how backwards things can be. I try to be conscious of this sense I have, but it’s who I am and I can only be aware of this part of me.

So, with this in mind, we were having family over for dinner on Sunday, March 27, the same night as the Oscars. I really don’t want it on, but it’s on. I have all my judgments running through my head about what it means, how it effects others, the beautiful side of it, our children are watching this display, etc.

After family dinner ends and the kids are off getting ready for bed, my husband shows me the clip at the Oscars of Chris Rock making a joke, Will Smith walking up through the crowd, walks onto the stage, hits Rock, Smith walks back to his seat, Rock says a blanket set of statements, Smith screams from his seat a directive at Rock, Rock defends his joke, Smith screams the directive again, and Rock complies. Smith not only continues to sit for the remainder of the show, but he soon receives an award and the same people that watched Smith hit Rock, clap for him.

My heart and mind want to take that clip and juxtapose it against me trying to get orders in a courtroom for a person that needs protection against another person. I have learned to ask questions to determine the authenticity of a situation, argue on behalf of safety and then also argue for protections for healthy contact, whatever that means, with a parent that has been deemed unsafe (‘healthy’ and ‘unsafe’ are loaded words and/or terms of art in my world). My job gets complicated and at times it is very straight forward. Even when straight forward, though, reality has it’s complications.

If Smith were my client, I would let him know what he did was 100% wrong, no excuses, and he needs to figure out if he can handle a path to recovery. If Rock were my client, I would argue the reality of the situation and protect him. My door to Smith would be open if I had enough data to show Smith accepted his mistake. I have to keep the door open, especially if there are kids, because life is full of mistakes. Some learn and others don’t; that’s just how it is.

But to me, on March 27 at the Oscars, that was straight forward. We do not know the before or the after, but we know, in that moment, that Smith walked up to Rock, hit Rock, and then sat down. There is no question who hit who, and that the contact is not condoned by our system. The other reality we witnessed, to my knowledge, was that no one did anything. Everyone at the Oscars sat there. It’s not about good or bad people, but they just sat there. Not only did they just sit there, a couple people ‘helped’ Will Smith. I get it, help calm down your friend. I also get telling your friend ‘what the hell are you doing and you need to excuse yourself or let me call security to have you excused.’

After getting hit, Rock voiced defense for his joke to Smith, as if he has to find a reason why he didn’t feel like he deserved to be hit. Smith screamed a directive at Rock. Rock complied. Women and men have had to act in similar fashion and pretend like everything is ok after taking abuse, and then comply. They question whether or not they deserved it or if the person abusing them gets to be excused for their behavior because, you know, work is stressful, or the kids did something, they’re tired, or they were drinking, and the list of defenses for the abusive act go on.

Chris Rock, after being hit, did not say “you do not get to hit me” or “your conduct is not appropriate.” Rock is a clever, intelligent man. He, along with the people in that room and those watching, stood still. Smith is a clever, intelligent man. What Smith should have done was use his time during his speech to inform Rock why his joke was distasteful to him; advocate on behalf of his wife, use his words. Smith could have also pulled Rock aside and explain why the joke was hurtful. But none of that happened.

I grow tired of “there’s history there,” “is Chris going to press charges?” “Will was defending his wife and Chris knew the joke was mean and would rile him up” or whatever other ‘excuse’ that comes to mind. But do me a favor and think. Think of how Will Smith just continued to sit there. The abuser got to sit and get an award, and people clapped for him. Rock heard people clap for Smith. How did that effect Rock 24 hours later? How did that effect a person watching who is the recipient of abusive behavior? What hope does the victim have if a room full of educated, dynamic, successful people do not have the ability to stand up for Rock against Smith? How is a wife going to tell her husband after he slaps her behind closed doors to stop and then be taken seriously? How is the victim of abuse in a relationship with children going to have the courage to speak up if it’s not automatic that people will come to their defense? I will say the Oscars can follow up with whatever canned sentence after the fact, but society showed its colors after Smith hit Rock. We as a society and world still don’t know how to wholly handle abusive behaviors.

I know I’m dirty. I’ve not known what to do. I’ve watched an abusive situation and said nothing. It’s scary. It can be destabilizing. I know I grow more and more to know what to do and to help not be part of the watchers of abuse. I have also learned to speak up against it. So, the favor you can do for me is realize how you have been part of dysfunction, part of the crowd, judging and not knowing, not putting a stop to what you know is wrong conduct. Don’t come down too hard on your children who are learning, but teach them what to do and if you excel at this, teach them in a compassionate way what words to use and how to use them. Role play with and model this for them. But realize people stay in abusive relationships for all sorts of reasons, and the display at the Oscars hopefully opens your mind to the psychology of why. Though it’s disheartening to see it play out for the public to witness, that exhibition should be the beginning of answers for you as to ‘why did they stay and take the abuse?’ Again, we as a society lack education in how to handle unhealthy behaviors.

I hope you caught my points. Some things, not many, but some things are black and white. Last, because I am hyper aware of what I don’t know, please take what I write above with a grain of salt. This blog… life… is a work in progress, and with that, here’s to progress.