Maybe it is you.

Divorce is a perfect arena to cast blame on others. Afterall, one person if not both are saying ‘it doesn’t work,” and thus there’s a ‘fault.’ Maybe you are saying it’s over. But what if it’s because of something you did that you are not conscious of that contributed to your decision to end your marriage? And what if you never find out what it is about you that contributed to your marriage ending? Maybe it is you that has the work to do. Just like how you contribute to great things happening, it is possible you may be contributing to not so great things happening too. Maybe you are contributing to dysfunction. Maybe it is you.

I meet a lot of people. I meet all kinds of people. I enjoy hearing their stories. I have the special gift and responsibility of confidential communications. When I hear their stories, I hear it from their voice. What this means is that I hear their perspective on their version of the story. What this means even more is that their storytelling that day is the result of who they are at that moment, with all the background of the life they have lived. Why this is important is because sometimes this person is helping their own situation and sometimes they are not. After asking some questions, and then re-asking questions, and perhaps asking again, I can tell whether or not their view of the story makes sense. I then give this individual my perspective and my advice. My words may be a breath of fresh air for that person, or not.

For example, an individual consulted with me because he had a Court ordered against him restraining him from access to his home, wife and children. The order was based on his actions his wife alleged he committed on her with the children present. The Court granted her requested orders because the Court believed her story.

In consulting with me, he told me his version of what happened. His version of the story had similarities to his wife’s, but he says his wife’s storytelling was inaccurate, that his actions were an accident and she’s made a big deal out of nothing. So, I do my job, and start asking questions. Then, I ask more questions. Finally, I advise him. I let him know that if he and I are to work together, he will need to take a 52-week batterers’ course, a parenting without violence course, and get into regular therapy with the hope of turning things around. He did not hire me and I never saw him again.

I don’t know if I will ever know the full truth, but I knew enough that his belief was not closely connected enough to ‘reality’ and he was not able to take responsibility for his own conduct. But, I do know that IF he recalled the story somewhat similar to what his wife alleged, acknowledged his role, and did do the work to learn and improve himself, that his wife would have the onus on her to give him the chance to be that improved man he became. Could you imagine how difficult that must be? The spotlight would shift from him to her now needing to ‘quickly’ adjust. Flip of a switch. Wow. Now it’s not him needing to do the work, it’s her.

People in this world will always have issues and create friction in your life. There will always be “it’s not you, it’s ‘them.’” So, if you are the recipient of another’s wacky, you can’t stop their wacky; all you can do is figure out how to manage yourself through it. What a task! And add kids to that mix? It’s so hard!! But if you learn how to manage this by learning to make your own adjustments, you will, eventually, feel that enormously heavy weight lifted off your shoulders…. and it feels good…. And… if you just manage you, it gives space for others to show who they are and do their own part, right or wrong.

The world, inertia, movement, all of it always have their own rhythms, responsibilities, and chaos they create. At the same time, you have choices. You make choices, and you can pivot. I know you can’t control everything. But, with each day you get new options. That’s real. In this context of optimism, relish in that it “is” you and see where your decisions take you.