Thanks. Giving.

We just celebrated Thanksgiving and we did it a little differently this year. The matriarch of our family who hosted Thanksgiving passed away. We still got together but not all of us. Next year it will be ‘all’ of us. But after she passed away, everything changed. She was our host. She organized Thanksgiving. It was a given that we would show up at her house, eventually to her daughter’s house, and we would reap the benefits of her efforts to keep our family together. She never got paid for it, her efforts were never showcased, no one took note of the hours she spent organizing, gathering and thinking of recipes, shopping for food, saving money to spend on us, then doing the work to cook, and cook more, and keep cooking, for a month, just so we could enjoy a few hours together. What I point out does not include the interpersonal relationships she had to manage, and, she had to manage a lot. Saying “thanks” in hindsight just does not seem “enough.”

To put this in perspective, from my youth forward, I would show up, having made brownies (that was my task over time), and enjoy in those couple of hours, all the fruits of her labor, dedication, discipline, and love she displayed of and for her family. I had no idea nor did I appreciate what she did. How could I? I was a kid, trying to figure out how to get through life, all the levels of school, and growing from immature to day by day maturing.

In recent years, now being an adult, I have adopted more of that role that my cousin did all those years. I can do a whole Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. I like hosting. I love it. I enjoy it all. It’s a lot of work but it’s exciting to see it come together and watch your loved ones be happy and cared for. We just hosted 6 families for Thanksgiving at my mom’s house. That’s a small crowd compared to the 50+ we have for normal Thanksgiving. Everyone had a great time.

But this year, more than prior, I appreciate more deeply what my amazing cousin did all those years that I took for granted. I know now because of the efforts I give that go unnoticed. I feel proud of myself. I said “Thanks” for years, and now, more as an adult, I am “Giving” with people telling me thanks.

Are you taking inventory of the thanks to give? Are you giving? Are you noticing what work is done for you that you do not have to do? Are you humbled by it? Intimidated by it? Ignorant to it? Open to it? Are you giving? Do you give for the “thanks” or because your heart and whole body wants to give?

While I open up about my family and what Thanksgiving means to me, I know during divorce a lot of confusion happens because efforts are not understood or appreciated, and well-intentioned people get mischaracterized. I wish upon these circumstances, for people to calm down, take inventory, and start noting what has been given to them and their family. From there we can start to deduce where to appreciate the “thanks” and work on the “giving.” Thanks. Giving.