25

The number 25 now takes on a new meaning for me.

This coming Saturday we were invited to a 50th birthday for a friend. We did not attend. For Saturday I bought concert tickets for my husband as a birthday gift. He was born on the 1st of the month and it was our 1st time we were to see this artist. We did not attend. On Saturday I attended the funeral for my niece through marriage. She was 25. I also have a niece through blood, and she turned 26 on Monday. Both nieces were in our wedding and are/were the same age, but now only 1 is living.

I have these number associations in my head. A song I sing starts with 1, thanks to a tune a learned from Sesame Street. For me 25 means a quarter, or half of 50. Now I think about how 1 person got to be 25, another 1 did not get past 25, and another got to be 50. Now 25 means the age at which my niece died. Her life ended at 25. I don’t know what other numbers mean right now.

Yesterday was Monday and I was at work. People are arguing over people. 1 parent doesn’t value the love given to their own children by the other parent for xyz reasons. Few reasons are justified; most are not. Civility goes down the drain between the parents, which grates on children. I do what I can to almost force parents to be happy and civil in front of the children. Instead, for a few humans they just can’t do it, and it’s a fight. I understand why but at the same time I don’t. What is stopping you from just loving your 1 for who they are, no strings attached? Why does 1 not flow with the other 1?

If you are in the divorce process, and you find it really frustrating, difficult, the court system is horrible, that your ex is the problem, I invite you to step back and reassess your story. Don’t get me wrong; divorce always has an element of difficulty. But, perhaps you don’t have all the tools for your project. I bet there is some learning you need to do…

“Fault” is a whole thing in society, don’t you agree? “Why did you break the window? What were you thinking? Why did you stay up late? It’s your own fault you are late to school.” What if we said: “Accidents happen, let’s play away from the window next time. Next time to not be late to school, go to bed or wake up earlier; let’s increase your chances of being on time.” Most of the time, we aren’t trying to break windows on purpose nor trying to purposely be late. No one purposely wants to make mistakes. It’s life.

And… Life is hard. It’s just how it is. Learning tools on how to live is real and helpful to get through life. I may not like it, but I can’t have a donut every day. I can’t always be on vacation. My feelings can’t take front and center in every moment. It’s just not sustainable. Neither is lack of exercise. It’s something that has to be done, like millions of other disciplines that help with living life, such as saying ‘no’ even when I want to say ‘yes,’ going to school and trying to do well in subjects, or focusing on disciplines that give you tools to make not only your life easier but also that of your family.

In my career of confrontation and fight, I also know the nuance of negotiation, details, and compassion. My niece reminds that while we are alive, we have that chance. Once that child is gone, it’s permanent.

25. My other niece got to 26. The number association game needs to shift. Start at 1 and keep trying. More of the love than the shame judgment. Try, not 1 time, but 25 times.