My ex/spouse is the worst; but the kids they raised are the best! Huh?

More often than not, when a married couple has kids, one person becomes the primary parent in raising these kids. Around here, historically, women would be in this primary role. In this blog, my focus is on the situations where a woman is the primary parent in raising the kids.

Me: “Tell me about your kids.”

Person sitting across from me: “They’re awesome, so cute, smart, athletic, musically advanced, they’re just amazing.”

Me: “Tell me about their mom.”

The person sitting across from me will let me know a whole litany of characteristics about the children’s mother. “She cooks, but sometimes gets fast food. / She works, but she should make more money and get a nanny. / She does the kids’ activities and I can always help but I don’t like how she manages it.”

Me: “Didn’t you say she took the lead in raising the kids while you worked?”

Person sitting across from me: “Yes but I go to games, I cook when I can, I do this and I do that. I can do it myself, it’s not hard.”

Me: “Regardless of what’s hard or not, we agree that we can’t change history and the kids don’t magically raise themselves, especially the ones you described to me. Someone has to put in the work to get kids on track emotionally, academically, musically, etc. You said you like your kids and bragged about them, so…..”

Person sitting across from me: “But she does this, and she does that, and this is how she sucks, and I’m great. I can work and raise the kids and make lots of money.”

Me: “The best way you can love your kids is by loving and respecting their mother (that’s a quote I heard along the way). You may want to consider re-thinking the reality you have been living.”

At this point, the conversation can go a bunch of ways.

It’s one of my most favorite things, and unfortunately it’s rare, that I’ve experienced in this situation, when the light bulb goes off and the person realizes how much they have taken advantage of the primary parent. On top of it, they wake up and realize the value this person has provided and how the devaluing of their spouse has been their blind spot. They get to go to work, not think about being pulled away from work, come home to amazing children, and likely many other amazing things they don’t realize they have. There’s peace in their home, the kids are on track, and the luxury they have taken for granted is the freedom in time they have to work and do their life, prioritizing their job only, sometimes even to their own detriment (that will be another blog one day). The primary parent is responsible for creating the foundation, the moral compass and ‘good people’ to go out into the world. Some are better at it than others, and when you brag about your kids, then it seems you were smart to trust the mom to take the lead in raising the kids.

Please be clear: acknowledging the mother does not take away from the individual’s own hard work. The two can exist together, if, the individual values what they have.

I had one particular meeting with a high tech go getter, very nice man, bright, and rich. He wanted a divorce because his wife was having a texting affair with another man. They could easily divorce, each person would have plenty of money, and be technically fine. Their two children would have to deal with a divorce, but again they had money so it can be easier on that level, but still it’s a divorce….

I had him grade himself in all areas of his life: as an employee to the company, as a leader to his group at work, as a father, a brother, a son, a friend, a volunteer, and as a husband. His face started to drop as he realized how he graded himself. It was clear where his time went, and time dictated the grade. He went from feeling like the victim in his marriage to owning his choices. He rethought getting a divorce and they ended up staying married, and last I knew, happily married.

I’m sure the other parent isn’t perfect and can be a total pain. Who isn’t? At one point for anyone I have lived with I have had issues with that person. It’s just how it is. It’s important to be real about issues and get through them because from what I know from doing divorces here for over 20 years, most people are not that different from each other.

So, when you say you think you have awesome kids but then think their mother is whack, think again.